The following is a narrative about what I went through on 8/9/2019, from about 2PM EST - 11:30PM EST.
I felt like the Great Malevolent Force had won. I was going to surrender to it.
I had planned on killing myself. Suicide via hanging. I took my backpack with my hammock, bug net, under-quilt etc. and found a nice secluded place to set up between two trees. And a smaller one nearby where I hung the noose. I then took some drugs. Drugs that anesthetized my senses and dulled my memories. I walked and pondered my life up to this point. The life of memories of the human I seem to be. I pondered about the fragments of other lives that I can only access through my imagination. Part of me knew what I was in for I think... now, looking back, part of me feels that I had dreamed about and was shown previews of the experience I was about to have. I'm not sure my conscious mind was aware of my impending death and subsequent rebirth. I yelled out to her, the woods, the moon, HER... I cried out that this whole human journey is too much. The drugs were kicking in... I took quite a bit. More than I'd had in the past but not too much that I felt unsure of what to expect. The only difference this time was that I was willing to die... I wasn't only open and willing, I was committed to the act. I started dreaming while wide awake. I was immersed in a blended world of outer forest, trees, earth, sky, and the world of inner meaning and archetype that began to merge and blend.
I wandered. I lost track of my personal sense of identity. The world became unrecognizable. I became unrecognizable. I lost all awareness. It was dark. I was aware of the darkness. I was then aware of myself. The world of form and senses came rushing back in a flurry of memory and meaning. I had glimpses of what I had done to myself. I can't fully put words to everything I experienced. I've never been able to. Not really... I know I try to each time, but more recently for the most part I've found myself falling silent when I attempt to describe past a certain point... if you know, you know... and there's nothing to really say about it.
I returned to this specific one, the one who feels he is typing these words. The sky was now dark. I'd been in the woods for hours. I had no shoes on. I had left them at my hammock. I had no glasses on. Those had been left too. I had no idea what part of the woods I was in. I couldn't see more than faint images, mostly silhouettes of the trees against the waxing moon. The mortal fear returned to me. The adrenaline started. I was alone in the woods. Nobody knew I was out here. I came here to die. I had died and been reborn. I now needed to get out of the damn woods! I knew I had no chance of locating my camp site. I had to get back to the road and my grandparent's house.
I was still not sober. I stumbled. I fell. I got up. I stumbled again. And fell. Again and again and again. I walked through the underbrush, and through the bogs and small creeks. I fell on my knees in the mud. My bare feet and toes getting poked by sticks and rocks. I fell again. I was surrounded by knee high plants in what I took to be a small clearing in the trees. The ground was rather wet and muddy. I assumed I'd falling in one of the boggy areas that were scattered around the property. I looked up. I seemed to be surrounded by a cone of light. There were other beings around me. I could not see them or recognize them. But I could feel their presence. I knew I'd make it through this. I got up and started walking again. I climbed up a hill through pricker bushes and brambles on my hands and knees. I made it to a field. I had been going the wrong way. I needed to go back the other way through the woods to get to the house. I became an animal. I was a creature of the night. I took off through the woods again, stumbling and falling, springing back to my feet. Covered in cuts and bruises, my pants and shirt were soaked and covered in mud. I saw a light through the trees. I headed for it. I eventually emerged from the wood line. I could see the house. The utility pole lite near the driveway that I'd been moving toward. I got in our four wheel drive farm utility vehicle and went and tried to find my camp site... quickly abandoning that task because I'd been out there for 9 hours now. I drove it back to my grandparents house and then down the road to my parents house where I was able to shower and sleep.
I found my camp site this morning (8/10/2019) then. Disassembled everything and walked back out of the woods in the daylight. I wish this brief narrative description could do more justice to the profoundness I feel I got from my experience.