「Frank at "Texas Chili Contest"

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on my back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. bitch is starting to look "HOT", just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers as an afterthought. I should note that I'm worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sigh」